Chronically Joyful

Sometimes it can feel impossible to remain “chronically joyful” when I’m experiencing a lot more symptoms, and feeling very much chronically ill. 

So, in the moments I have experienced joy this April, I made sure to catalog the things that helped me cope through sad times! They say smiling even when you’re sad will help you feel better, but putting that into practice is almost impossible when you feel like you’re falling apart. With that, here are 5 things that have brought genuine enjoyment to my life throughout this difficult month:

Running

I am not, nor have I ever been, a runner. My longest distance to date is 5 miles and while I felt accomplished after, I didn’t necessarily enjoy doing it. It’s odd because my father, sister and brother are all runners (and I’m talking ultra marathons, half marathons and 50ks), but it has never been my thing. Because it’s never been my “thing” and because I’ve never enjoyed the sport with my family, I’ve never received the pressure to perform, which has been a gift (I happily remain non-competitive by nature).

Nearly 10 years ago, I was told that my MS would cause an incredible decline in my quality of life and that I would never run again. I run all the time to this day, and while I am currently experiencing some additional challenges, it won’t stop me. Running feels freeing; running feels like a major accomplishment, regardless of the distance because I constantly feel like I shouldn’t be able to do it. But I am doing it. And it feels pretty stinkin’ good. 

Epic Orchestrations

When I’m not listening to podcasts, my standard gym playlist consists of a lot of Avenged Sevenfold, Slipknot, Metallica, Breaking Benjamin and the like; this month I’ve dramatically switched this up. I’m now listening to the soundtrack to the movie Avatar (which I didn’t even like that much), Interstellar, every orchestrated epic video game composition ever, etc. I listen to these things in between meetings while I’m working, but not normally when I’m physically active. There has been some magic in running down the road with one eye half functioning and feeling like I just won the battle for Middle Earth, let me tell ya. 

If interested in listening to what I currently am as I write this post, check out Aaron Grubb’s Youtube channel as he’s taken every classic, amazing Zelda composition Koji Kondo ever created and made it even better! 

Flowers in Bloom

Of course everyone enjoys this time of year because life is returning to the planet; it’s a wonderful time to be alive! I’ve really enjoyed seeing the flowering bushes alongside my house pop into bloom with some of the most beautiful pink and purple flowers. Tulips are also native to our neighborhood, so those are just popping up in everyone’s yards uninvited, but always welcome. 

As a native New Yorker, I moved to Virginia back in 2018, expecting to bask in warmer weather and bliss all year round. NO ONE warned me of the “pollening” that Virginia experiences every year, and that piece has been a bit of an obstacle to overcome this month. Without the ability to drive, I have not been able to head into the office for work as I normally do, where I stock up on discounted Zyrtec-D from the pharmacy every single week because I’m officially dependent on it to live. I made it 2 days without before caving and quickly learned that the pharmacy near my home is just a mile away, so you bet that I popped those running shoes back on to make my way there for the drug that has kept me functioning and much less snivelly over the last 6 years!

But, despite how much they hurt my allergies, the beauty and smell of the flowers has been bringing me an exuberant amount of joy this month!

Adding Seltzer to my Still Water 

I never used to enjoy seltzer water; as a kid, I wasn’t a big soda drinker because it was too sweet and the carbonation used to really bother me. I finally jumped on the seltzer train a few years ago (definitelyyyyyyyy related to my love of champagne and prosecco) and have always seen it as a little treat.

At my job, there is always fruit/herb/veggie infused water available for all associates in each cafeteria, which is located right next to a soda stream (AKA, a spout that provides plain, carbonated water). One day last month, I really enjoyed the water fusion of the day – cranberries, blood oranges and oregano – and had mentioned to a friend that it had a flavor reminiscent to a fruity spritzer, but without the alcohol. The next time I went downstairs to refill my water bottle with that delicious water, I topped off the last 1/4th of the bottle with seltzer water. 

LIFE CHANGING DISCOVERY!

To this day, as much as I love seltzer, it can sometimes bother my nose or just be too much on my gut. Now? I get giddy to fill my water bottle with a mixture of still water (flavored or plain; it’s been a lot of plain since I’ve been stuck at home) and seltzer water. I’ve even started adding plain unflavored seltzer water, as weird as it sounds, but it has been such a delightful and joy-bringing treat every day! Bonus points for being zero calorie, too. 

Keeping to Myself 

I’ve been isolated at home for the last month due to needing to quarantine when redosing Mavenclad as it completely eliminates the immune system in the process of working. This quarantine was set to start 4/1 and finish 4/21; my Diplopia set in on 4/9, so I have been unable to drive ever since due to the double vision. While I am slowly recovering, it has been an isolating and terrifying time. 

I am an ambivert, so I get a lot of value out of connecting with people but I fill my cup by being by myself and enjoying time alone. While I’ve definitely experienced some meltdowns from isolation this month, tacked onto the growing symptom-caused depression, I have also gotten so much happiness in rediscovering my love for Nintendo, reading, walks with my dog, and small projects. 

At first, the added time alone made me feel more isolated, especially when watching my colleagues spend time together in-person as I work alone in my home, on a zoom screen. I went through waves of feeling broken or feeling like there was something seriously wrong with me. I questioned my existence on this planet and whether it was worth maintaining. 

With a lot of retrospective time dedicated to looking inward to resolve outstanding issues within myself, I transformed this narrative into something I could actually work with. This time alone has been a gift where I have all the time in the world to do nothing, or in some cases, everything. I have had the autonomy to do whatever I want to, unapologetically, because no outside obligation can currently touch me – I physically haven’t been able to be present because of my health. Instead of seeing this as an impediment to my world, I see it as a gift to really hone in on the things I want to spend my time doing and better understand myself and my “why.” I am a chronic over-sharer to a fault; this period of time has given me internal grace enough to set boundaries with others where I only share what I feel comfortable sharing, and with who I choose to share with. This process isn’t perfected, but it’s getting better, and that’s all I can ask for. 

When times get tough, it’s so hard to find joy in the small things because it is shrouded in so much darkness. But these are the pinnacle moments where the joy matters the most. We make it through to the other side and if our mindset was joyful, we have no regrets from the dark times. For me, I have many regrets from this past month because I succumbed to much more misery rather than joy; I now choose to focus my attention on the moments that did bring me joy though, because I cannot change the past. I can only use it to help me move forward.

So, reader, if you made it to the end, I encourage you to check out some of the links I shared above (non-affiliated, so they’re genuine) or to test out some of these little things that could bring a smile to your face in hard times too.