Chronically Joyful

Resilience is the ability to adapt, cope, and bounce back from adversity, stress, trauma, or significant challenges, allowing you to recover and even grow stronger, rather than being overcome by hardship. – State.gov

As many of my readers know, 12 years ago, 15 days after my 20th birthday, I was diagnosed with Relapsing Remitting Multiple Sclerosis. Over the last decade +, I really thought I understood the inner workings of what resilience means. What I have learned in the last 2 years alone, is that the idea of resilience is ever changing, despite its blanket definition. 

When I woke up one morning and couldn’t use the left side of my body but still showed up for work that day, I understood resilience. 

Receiving the news that my diagnosis was easy because I had such a high number of lesions and was “blessed” to get an answer so quickly, I understood resilience. 

In the moments my mental state snapped so fast between deep gratitude for my abundant life to such darkness and the deep desire to die, I understood resilience. 

When I finally found peace in long commutes and enjoyed my journeys in the car, but one day consistently continued to experience diplopia at 75mph, I understood resilience. 

The day I said yes to a lifelong partnership with one of the most amazing people on this planet Earth and then quickly redacted that decision because I finally accepted that I had an insurmountable amount of inner work I needed to tackle alone (effectively breaking both of our hearts), I understand resilience. 

Life comes with a warning label in such fine print, I don’t think anyone alive has actually read it before – 

Nothing is certain, fixed or guaranteed.

I used to be convinced that the life path I was choosing was set in stone; follow the yellow brick road, right? But nothing is ever set in stone and anything can happen at any point in time. With an existence that currently feels like it is burning to the ground, I am once again reassessing what it means to truly be resilient. 

In an approach to being more mindful, I am doing something outside of my normal comfort zone – I am refusing to run away. When it comes to fight or flight, it turns out that I’m an expert in both. The things that are important to me, I will fight to the death for (I’m a Leo at heart, after all). In zooming out of my own perspective, I’ve realized that my pattern has reflected my flight response, down to running away with my tail between my legs when things get shaky. 

Right now, in this exact moment I am writing this, things are really, really hard. But each time I reflect on where I’ve been, where I am and where I’m going, I remember that I am a friend of resilience. 

In this human experience, it isn’t abstract to understand that life is challenging. Whether through decisions we make on our own, the decisions of others, or just crazy-random-happenstances – it ain’t easy. Where true, raw power comes into play is how quickly we are able to bounce back. A fun, literal example of this was when I was enjoying a long(er) distance run a few weeks back on a beautiful winter day. I’d made it 6 miles total, which was a record for me (insert cynical moment of relishing in being told I’d never run again here), but toward the end of this run, my foot drop kicked in and I hit the pavement – HARD. There were A LOT of witnesses as it’s a busy road I was on the sidewalk of; as I picked my headphones back up, I swear, I bopped right back up and I was belly laughing at the nonsensical existence I lead. My knees are still scabbed, but I did appreciate the speed in which I jumped back up and the fact that I was laughing at myself. It was a raw example that at the end of all of the many things I’ve experienced in just the last 2 years alone, I am still okay. 

I am resilient. 

Today, I feel proud in the midst of the current chaos because at the end of every single day, I know that I am going to be okay. A big difference in today’s approach vs. the approach I used to take is accepting that it goes deeper than just plastering on a smile and faking it until I make it. 

I no longer fake it (except at my corporate job, that’s the only time I justify it being acceptable), but instead I sit with it. Every emotion that flows through me is welcome and they are allowed a seat at my table. This is challenging for me because I’ve always adorned a mask of strength to the world where it appears as though nothing affects me, when in reality, I feel so deeply I can barely manage existing half the time. The gift this realization of my emotions has brought me is not only letting things flow, but also allowing them to release. I now understand the true definition of resilience because I have ascended from “grinning and baring” life’s challenges, to embracing them and integrating what I learn into the next phase. I am trying to show up better.  

Everyone is resilient should they choose to be; if you’re a reader of my blog, the odds are that you are living with a chronic illness. 

You are resilient. 

In the moments where you feel less than – you are resilient. 

In the moments where you are crying at the kitchen table, completely defeated – you are resilient. 

In the moments where you get out of bed and just keep going, even when it feels impossible – you are resilient. 

Do you know why you are resilient?

In the moments where you feel less than – you still show up.

In the moments where you are crying at the kitchen table, completely defeated – you still show up.

In the moments where you get out of bed and just keep going, even when it feels impossible – you still show up. 

Through everything, you are STILL HERE. Don’t ever let anyone tell you that doesn’t matter, because it does. It is everything. 

You are still here, still showing up, and still fighting the good fight through it all. It can look messy, sad, disappointing and everything in between – but you’re still here and you are still trying. 

That is resilience. 

You are more resilient than you think, and you are going to be okay. 

We’re stronger together and I believe in you. Keep going and know that you are an emblem to someone else in their darkness. We got this.