Chronically Joyful

There have been many times where I’ve felt helpless to my own future. As is the purpose of this blog, I live optimistically and maintain a sunny disposition through most of my life. But there are moments where doubt creeps in, or fear whispers beneath the surface. 

I know fully that I could wake up one day and not be able to use my legs.

I may no longer be able to see. 

I could lose the ability to use the rest room on my own without assistive devices. 

I have been told that I am at a higher risk of developing Alzheimer’s or Dementia in the future. 

I have been told I was going to die young. 

While it’s taken MANY years that have come with an equal amount of ups and downs, I can proudly say to all of you lovely readers today that none of the above actually matters that much to me anymore. As I sat with the moments of fear and uncertainty of what my future would hold through the years – especially in 2024 when my symptoms hit an all time high and I felt that I couldn’t control anything occurring in my life – it finally just sank in that it isn’t in my control. Sure, I can make daily choices that can encourage a more positive outcome, but that isn’t necessarily guaranteed either. 

I used to be so afraid of the unknown; it contributed tremendously to my previously wishy-washy personality. I couldn’t stick to a decision even if it would save my life – I lived under the constant pressure of “but what if things go wrong?” and with operating that way, they often did go wrong. I lightly say this was a prior aspect of my personality only because I JUST realized it was LOL. Not even kidding, I’ve only set the intention to change this part of myself within the last 2 months. 

Having taken the lovely little existence I was creating for the last decade and choosing to single handedly blow the entire thing to bits within the last year, I can confidently say that I’m now a fan of change. I am no longer afraid of the unknown. I’ve taken on a mindset that the world reflected before me is nothing more than a feedback loop to help me learn and grow at a pace I never could have expected. When plans do not unfold as I expect them to, I do my best to look at the bright side; when there doesn’t seem to be one, I make one up. 

Oh, my body is responding to the high stress this week and I’m riddled with 7/10 pain?

• I think I’ve managed the stress pretty well, isn’t that a lovely reflection of me! 
• I’m alchemizing the pain into fodder for something better (like the concept for one of my recent videos!)
• Eh the pain isn’t caused by MS at all, someone’s using black magic on me so I just need to meditate and re-center (a stretch, but at least it gives awesome visual imagery LOL)

As always, energy flows where our attention goes; if I choose to focus on how bad the bad thing is, it just gets worse. In choosing a life where I’m verging on being mentally delusional half the time, I can proudly say that it’s led to significant positive outcomes! 

The unknown has become exciting for me in this chapter of life, including with my health; as I’d previously mentioned, I see things as a constant feedback loop. If I’m noticing an influx of symptoms, that indicates to me that things are off-balance in my life and I need to recalibrate (which I certainly will be this weekend after a VERY stressful work week). An example with lower stakes would be times where I’m waiting on a reply from someone and learning to not internalize the silence and assume the worst; instead, I just pivot the thought to something brighter like, “they’re very busy” or something neutral that does NOT bring my self-worth into question. 

Most of life is outside of my personal control – the weather, my MS, other people’s reactions to my existence. There are few aspects to being a human that are in my control – my daily choices on what I eat, how I move my body, the way I treat others and my responses to external circumstances. Living in a state of constant fear of the unknown, or change in general, was slowly eating away at my life force as I know it does for most of the people in my life. The fear never disappears, but it does ultimately come down to how we each individually respond in those moments. 

I won’t sugarcoat it, life is terrifying. Life is terrifying for SO many different reasons.

Riding a bike for the first time. 

Learning to drive a car. 

Traveling alone for the first time. 

Leaving a long-term relationship. 

Quitting a stable job to pursue something different. 

Letting yourself be fully who you were always meant to be when you don’t quite fit societal standards. 

Becoming a parent and forever worrying about your children’s wellbeing. 

Getting a life-altering diagnosis. 

But just as life is terrifying, it is also equally beautiful. 

Never forget to find the joy in life amidst the darkness, it’s the only way to build resilience; more importantly, it is the only way to truly embrace the life you’ve been given on this planet. We aren’t here to be sad all the time, nor are we here to be bitter at the circumstances presented to us.

So, lovely reader, take this moment with me to express gratitude for the journey even through its challenges. 

Thanks for remaining Chronically Joyful with me. ♡