Chronically Joyful

While everyone faces their own unique inner demons, a Chronic Illness diagnosis amplifies those demons to an extreme degree. For years, I felt “less than” or even unworthy of happiness because I felt like damaged goods. I personally like to refer to my demons as the Gargoyle on my shoulder that whispers utter nonsense into my ear to try and throw me off of my positive trajectory; let’s call him Charles, the same way I named my shadow, who is “Jecht” because I’m a nerd.  

For nearly my entire life, Charles followed me everywhere I went, trying to convince me that I wasn’t good enough for the things I wanted, the people I loved, or the opportunities I shielded myself away from. He’s incredibly persuasive and it’s only within the last 1-2 years that I’ve been able to silence him – but not entirely. I never want to silence Charles entirely because he is the main focal point that highlights where I still have the deeper inner work to do, in partnership with Jecht. In observing Charles and his manipulative ways, it has taught me the art of discernment in every arena of my life. 

Don’t listen to the Gargoyle. 

Seriously, he’s full of sh*t. There is a key difference between Charles and Jecht and it is that Jecht will never leave me as long as I live and we will always be a part of one another – I accept Jecht for the shadow he is within me. Charles, on the other hand, will be sent on his merry way every single time I am able to work through the demons he throws at me. Shadow integration is incredibly important and it will absolutely change your life; the first step in starting shadow work is discerning between a true shadow highlight vs. the nonsensical egoic crap coming from your Gargoyles. It isn’t easy and it certainly takes time, but the difference truly does become glaringly obvious. 

Do trust your shadow. 

The shadow is a part of each of us and it isn’t going anywhere; Carl Jung said it best – “Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.” As someone who was very emotionally reactive for most of my life, I let the unconscious parts of me drive my life for far too long; recognizing that it’s just my shadow (AKA, Jecht) tapping me on the shoulder, asking for a seat at the table, has changed my life. Allow me to provide a real-life example with the practice I chose to integrate and the outcome:

Last week, I felt triggered for the first time in a long time! While I talked about this in greater depth in my most recent Youtube Video – “Releasing Control and expectations of others = Freedom” – let’s touch on it a bit. I work in a corporate setting and engaging with folks face to face is a big reason I enjoy my job; I thrive in a collaborative environment. I showed up to the office feeling excited about a few meetings on my calendar for the day and the opportunity to work with folks face to face; when I sat down for my first one, I realized that I was the only one in the office. I was the only one in the office for all 3 meetings I was excited to have, and when I realized this, I became GRUMPY. I immediately felt disrespected, de-prioritized, not chosen, etc. At the end of the day, it was a very unreasonable reaction to have as I never actually told anyone that I had these expectations, but felt the crushing disappointment when they weren’t met. Lesson learned – telling people that something is important to you makes it a lot easier not to feel disappointed at the end of the day. 

Let’s continue to unpack…

I felt like folks would have rather been anywhere else than in a room with me. 

• Absolutely untrue, folks just wanted to take the meeting(s) from the comfort of their own home 

I felt like I wasn’t chosen.

• Also untrue because all of the people I was looking forward to seeing in person still showed up to my meetings virtually. 

I felt disrespected.

• 100% untrue as I never voiced the expectation or desire to have these meetings face-to-face in the first place. 

I felt disappointed.

• This was a reflection only of myself as my emotions are my discretion and no one else’s responsibility but my own. 

To get to this realization in the midst of all the negative feelings I was having, I had a bit of a process:

1. Realize the negative feelings exist
2. Name the negative feelings (I personally like to write all of this down in a journal) 
3. Identify why I’m having these feelings (real and raw) 
4. Understand what part of me (AKA, Jecht) is bringing these feelings to light 
5. Accept that these feelings are okay, feel them fully, and then let them go 

This process looks linear on paper, but it took me a full ~ 12 hours to return to emotional equilibrium. I also went running to work through these feelings quicker and “meditate” on it. There’s more than one way to meditate, my friends, and steady state cardio happens to be one of my favorites as I am predominantly focused on not keeling over and letting the thoughts pass through my mind like sweaty little waves. 

I realized I was listening to the Gargoyle on my shoulder whispering lies of not being good enough and not just trusting myself in who I am. This is a major difference between the Gargoyle and your shadow – the Gargoyle is out to destroy your self concept where your shadow exists to highlight the pieces of yourself that still need integration. 

In gaining the ability to discern between the Gargoyle and the Shadow in daily life, you gain a new perspective on situations that potentially could have knocked you down before. To integrate aspects of yourself that have been challenging is to find absolute freedom. It is in these moments that resilience is forged and truly, nothing can knock you down because you are absolutely whole within yourself, with complete autonomy over your own emotions. No one on the outside can impact your moods (and when they do, that is an invitation to sit down and do the work with your shadow) or alter how you feel about yourself. So learn to recognize that little voice in your head that’s raining on your parade as your personal shoulder Gargoyle and kick em’ to the curb! 

Charles can’t sit with me, he’s simply just a bully. Jecht is becoming a deep friend who I share all of my quiet moments with, him sitting right beside me. So let’s work to identify the Gargoyles vs. the Shadows and erase the nonsense the Gargoyles have written into our psyches over however many years we’ve lived unconsciously. 

As always, dear readers, thank you for being here with me today, and thanks for remaining Chronically Joyful with me. ♡