Chronically Joyful

One of the most challenging aspects of a Chronic Illness diagnosis is figuring out how to navigate your interpersonal relationships while learning how to understand the life altering diagnosis yourself. For others who are not experiencing the illness directly, it can be incredibly challenging to understand how to approach the person who is, while maintaining a level of care and respect to be a support system. Unfortunately there is no guide book to life, whether you have a chronic illness or not, so we are left to our own devices.

So, how do we manage the challenges that arrive when friends and family do not understand how to approach us post-diagnosis? What do we do when the people closest to us either cannot understand, or simply just choose not to? 

Let’s chat about the approaches I’ve taken (and I encourage you to leave a comment below to unpack this further as I’ve had about a 45% success rate)! I go into a similar anecdote in my most recent Youtube video as well, if you prefer to casually listen vs. reading.

Radical Self Love & Acceptance 

To start, the only way to show others how you want to be treated is to treat yourself that way. Accepting your circumstances fully and choosing to love yourself unapologetically through them will completely alter the way you approach others around you. Your unspoken expectations start to decrease; you are more compassionate and forgiving to those who may not show up the way you need them to; you lose the need for external validation. When you stand firm in yourself and the understanding that you are still an incredible, whole human being (circumstances or not) then nothing on the outside can really affect you. This has been life changing for me as I used to live life consistently disappointed and very depressed. Since identifying the need for radical self love and acceptance, my baseline is incredibly happy and I deeply trust myself no matter what.  

Loving yourself and accepting exactly what is, is the first step to showing others how you should be treated. Treat yourself how you want others to treat you! 

There is a world where you can be a Warrior & also ask for some Grace

Everyone has something that they are managing beneath the surface of what your eyes can perceive. This is one of the main reasons I try not to get frustrated when driving – is that person rushing to see their child born? Is someone hurt? Did they randomly go blind and are just trying to make it home (been there, done that)? Living in-line with knowing that we never truly know what someone else’s story is has set the groundwork for compassionate understanding. 

Given that I’ve lived with MS for nearly 12 years, I know a ton of badass warriors I have the privilege to call my friends! There is a world that exists where people can be treated as the strong, optimistic warriors they are AND where those people can still ask for grace when times get tougher. A lot of the chronic illness world is a huge paradox, and I recognize that this sentiment may fall under that category. However, there is a place where someone can emit massive strength while also sometimes still needing support. Times are ever changing (as are people), so nothing is always going to remain the same – let’s normalize shifting states and feel okay asking for help when we need it. 

Let Them 

Unfortunately there will also be times and circumstances where the ones we love just simply do not want to even try to understand. Call me lazy or call me incredibly intelligent, but I personally am not on this planet to let the decisions and actions of others throw me off my A-game. When I have come into contact with folks who are less than understanding about my needs, boundaries or personal opinions regarding my MS, I’ve learned to just let them believe what they believe and do what they’re going to do. It is not up to me to change anyone else other than myself, so I choose not to waste precious energy on the things that are outside of my control. 

When others close to you choose to show their true colors, don’t allow it to throw you off your track. 

Simply let them. 

Quality Time over Activity 

Something I have learned over the last ~ 12 years is that being decisive is an incredibly rare, incredibly valuable skill. When managing the dreaded issue of having those around you claim you’re unreliable because it’s a gamble on whether or not you’re showing up to a function, it becomes easier to just take the reins yourself. If you are continuously met with experiences where you are unable to show up for specific event types, take a moment to figure out what types of scenarios you can show up for! 

If your best friend is incredibly active and always looking to go on hikes in the mountains, you may need to compromise in the realm of quality time. Set boundaries (or expectations, depending on how you prefer to look at this) and be abundantly clear on what you feel comfortable doing. Your personal limitations are always ebbing and flowing, so it doesn’t need to remain set in stone – some days maybe you are up for a hike, but level setting the expectation that this wouldn’t be the norm can really save you pain later. 

In my personal world, being open and communicative has been absolutely game changing. Back in 2023-2024, I had a very strong limiting belief that I was physically incapable of going on any hike longer than 2 miles, and as such, declined many opportunities to enjoy the outdoors and even stretch my comfort zone. While not everyone may be super into physical activity, it’s the easiest example for this use case to provide – because of my own limiting beliefs, I was able to successfully communicate and level set expectations with others around me. Instead of constantly declining plans with friends, I would instead counter with an alternative; instead of just flat out saying “no” to going on long hikes or walks (depending on how I was feeling), I would counter with an invite to grab dinner or an invite to enjoy live music. 

Know thyself and take direction in your own experience by being decisive, communicative and open to compromise. 

Prioritize Healthy Relationships 

We’ve all been there – not all relationships are created equal. Many (if not all) of us have spent far too long engaging in dynamics that are one-sided or just outright dysfunctional. As my last point in managing challenging dynamics with the people closest to you that may not truly understand your circumstances, if you take nothing else from this post, take this last point with you on your way. 

Do not prioritize the people who cannot take the time to care about you even in the smallest amount. 

It’s a loaded statement, but in the last ~ 12 years of having MS, I have said my fair share of goodbyes to people I thought would be by my side for the rest of my life. Now, don’t misinterpret this as me giving you the advice to put every family member on the chopping block when they pretend your illness doesn’t exist or someone snaps at you for ignoring them (this isn’t Reddit, afterall!). 

I am talking about the people who: 

• Gaslight you about your symptoms 
• Need reassurance from others to acknowledge your illness 
• Toxically keep count of the number of favors you’ve done them 
• Expect you to show up for them, but rarely show up for you 

At the end of the day, fill the cups of those who have and will be there for you when you need them. Give compassion to your closest relatives if they are doing their best to understand you and still show up for you (even if it doesn’t look the way you expect it to). Give your time to the friends who still take the time to ask you how you’re doing, even when you’ve been quiet lately. Spread your light to the people in your circle who are going to acknowledge the fact that you are in fact still here and still trying, and choose to continue loving you in return. 

Bringing it back to the tippy top of this post, your radical self love will impact who you decide is worth your time. Prioritize the relationships that light you up and encourage you to always move forward, with a smile, and release the relationships that make you feel less than with love. 

Hopefully there was at least one knowledge nugget in here to help you along this wild, complex journey! As always, thank you for remaining Chronically Joyful with me! ♡