Chronically Joyful

It has taken me a long time to fully appreciate the benefits of putting my own wellbeing first before everything else in my life. Many times before when I’ve spoken about this approach, others have called me selfish – what I’ve learned is putting yourself first absolutely does NOT make you selfish, it makes you intelligent. I like to think of this in form of the example when a plane is falling out of the sky; in order to try and save the others around you, you must first put your life vest and oxygen mask on before even attempting to help the person next to you, or you’re both doomed. This principle applies in every arena of life! 

You cannot pour from an Empty Cup

If you run yourself into the ground, you have nothing left to give to the people who rely on you. Prioritizing your well-being is what allows you to be generous later (and then some!). Energy is a finite resource and one of the most important that we have; setting boundaries is critical when your cup is emptying as it gives you the ability to take rest and recharge. 

Choosing yourself isn’t selfish because there are often times where it’s a necessity in order to not only keep going, but to show up as your best self. The truest form of generosity exists in a surplus – if I am constantly sacrificing my mental health to keep others happy, it’s not charity—it’s martyrdom. Taking care of myself ensures I actually have a surplus to share, which is better for the greater good. 

What does Selfishness actually look like?

To be selfish is to take from others in the interest of personal gain. To choose yourself first is to honor your basic needs, boundaries, and overall mental peace. Self care is about self protection, so things like shielding your mental health, refilling your cup, and maintaining your basic well-being. Self-absorption is about self promotion, so things like seeking constant attention, validation, or elevating yourself above everyone else. 

Choosing yourself is a practice in boundary setting, and not in the sense of setting boundaries with others around you; I like to also set boundaries with my behavior! An example of this lies in the moments where I opt to decline plans to prioritize rest. What would be selfish is if I were the one asking someone else to do something with me and demanding that they attend – that is an attempt to control the behavior of others and that, my friends, is selfish. 

Choosing Yourself teaches others how to treat you

Setting firm boundaries models exactly how you choose to be treated and how you prefer to be respected. It exemplifies to others that your time, energy, and mental health are valuable – this in turn earns respect. I have chosen my favorite “weapon” I wield with love and self respect, and that weapon is silence. When my boundaries are disrespected (in many cases), I opt not to reply because it simply isn’t worth my energy. When it IS worth my energy, I elect to state my limits clearly to let others know that I have expectations in how I expect to be treated (I chat about this in my recent video on Remaining Unbothered!). 

If you are always available, always agreeable, and never say no, you are not considered a Saint – you are considered a convenience. Choosing yourself prevents attracting the people who only seek you out to understand what you can do for them and instead, attract the people who genuinely value your presence in their lives. Clear boundaries create safer relationships – clarity is kindness! 

Relationships build gracefully vs. building resentment 

When you constantly say “yes” to others at your own expense, quiet resentment builds up. Choosing yourself keeps your relationships honest, clean, and genuinely cooperative. Having lived most of my life as a chronic people pleaser, I was terrified of telling people “no” because I swore it would end every interpersonal relationship I had; while I was correct about some, those ended for the better. To treat others the way I wanted to be treated is to also simultaneously respect the boundaries others set with me too! 

While I personally do not keep score of the things others do for me that I ultimately feel obligated to repay, there are many folks in my life who do. To choose myself, it prevents me from maintaining an invisible “bill” of the debts I am owed and silently stewing on them; life is too short and I am far too tired to spend my time like this; I recommend you all take the same approach LOL. More importantly, approaching life this way allows me to approach my relationships from a state of choice, not obligation. If I keep you close to me in this life, it is because I choose to do so and want you to know that you are important to me! 

You are responsible for your own emotional weather 

No one else can live your life or manage your peace of mind for you. Relying on others to fulfill you is a burden on them; taking charge of yourself is a gift to everyone. Taking responsibility for your own happiness and internal weather is the prolific moment where you have the internal shift from life passenger to life driver. 

When your state of being no longer relies on the actions or opinions of others, congratulations! You have officially found freedom. 

When our fulfillment lies within another, I like to think of this as making that person an emotional hostage. So many of us have been Stockholm syndrome’d into thinking this behavior is normal, but I’m here to crack your mind open and shout off the rooftops that it is not. Throw the eggshells you’ve been walking on out the window and breathe deeply and freely for the first time; your emotional state is yours and yours alone. 

It’s so easy to blame outside circumstances for our mental state, and of course there are situations that happen that warrant a response! The important thing to keep in mind here is that you are ALLOWED to feel a certain type of way about these circumstances, but LET IT GO. Learning to let it go “quickly” will save you so much heartache and unnecessary stress that is avoidable. Easier said than done, but the practices I have used in the last year or so are scattered throughout this blog and Youtube channel. 

From within, so without. 

Thank you for being here with me, my dearest readers. As always, thank you for remaining Chronically Joyful with me. ♡