Chronically Joyful

I had a moment of deep, true validation within the last year where someone in my family turned to me and said “I now understand what fatigue really feels like, I always thought it was just exhaustion.” Now let me clarify, they were experiencing a really ferocious flare up of Lyme and I was not celebrating that fact, but it did feel really good to feel just a little bit seen! 

When people say they experience Chronic Fatigue, it does not mean the same thing as someone saying they are exhausted. Some days, I have enough energy to go out and run 6 miles after working a full 8 hour day; and then some days, I can barely get out of bed and have to crawl to the bathroom to tinkle for the 49,000th time. Chronic Fatigue feels like every move you make, you are fighting your way through a pool of molasses and likely don’t even succeed in the task you were trying to accomplish. I have a few different phrases for my levels of fatigue: 

Bone Tired: When I’m feeling Bone tired, I just can’t function. I am able to accomplish the bare minimum and call it a day. I don’t go to the gym, I take a rest day; I won’t walk my dog, she’ll just cuddle with me on the couch. The meal I was going to cook? No, it’s Cheerios. Bone tired is when my body is absolutely done, but my mind is mostly functioning. These days are good for playing Animal Crossing or finally getting lost in my overdue library book. 

Soul Tired: Soul tired is a whole different level; this is when I have no capability to function outside of lying down with my eyes closed, often in absolute silence. My senses can’t even process light or noise, my body just feels broken. I’m usually not necessarily in pain, but I wouldn’t call myself a human being either. I am just the “light body” version of myself who doesn’t even have the energy to feed myself. It’s water for dinner because I can’t even fathom the idea of putting the kettle on for tea. 

One of the most challenging aspects to Chronic Fatigue comes down to the culture humanity has created where our value is directly tied to how much we have accomplished. I have worked really hard over the last 1-2 years to break this habit and just accept fully that it is MORE than okay to just exist. Let me say that again, 

It is okay to just exist and be alive. 

Now don’t get me wrong, of course the days where I’m really productive feel amazing! Where I’m really “on” at my day job, passionately keeping this blog up to date, recording for my Youtube channel, making art, cleaning my house, etc. no matter what it is I can accomplish, it gives that same hit of dopamine. 

But take a second and picture this with me – you take a seat in a corner of your home (AKA, your safe space) with dim mood lighting, you are dressed in your comfiest of comfy clothes, you have a warm mug of tea in your hands and your eyes are closed. You smile, take a deep breath, smile again, and just bask in the moment. 

Those are two very different versions of yourself, aren’t they? Both are allowed to exist at the same time. Both have value in their own way. In other words, 

You are allowed to rest.

Sometimes we can feel guilty for prioritizing ourselves, especially when we very much need to rest. I can only truly speak for myself, but I feel confident that this is a common theme across all humans on the planet right now. Rest is always recommended, but when it comes to Chronic Fatigue it becomes more of a hard requirement. Many of the folks I know who also live with a Chronic Illness are parents; they are high level Executives; they are athletes; they are bad ass. It doesn’t matter what you do, it matters who you are, and I promise who you are is begging for balanced rest! 

I could drink an entire pot of coffee and immediately go to sleep at any time, except for my normal bedtime and that’s when I can’t sleep LOL. My eyes burn every minute of the day, but something I have learned about myself that may be helpful for you is that I feel less tired when I am actually hydrated (we need WAY more water than we think) or when I am connecting with someone I find really engaging. Even through these high energy moments, the downward crash is inevitable. 

All of this to say, you are not alone. How you’re feeling is valid, even in the moments where you can’t really explain it to anyone else. Whether you’re Bone Tired, Soul Tired, or just having a heavy day of Chronic Fatigue, my thoughts remain the same – take rest. Recalibrate. Enjoy the silence. Just be. 

Thank you for being here, the light in me sees the light in you. I love you so. ♡