Chronically Joyful

I have been tested by the Universe this week, my friends, to confirm that I am actually practicing what I preach. While I kind of anticipate obstacles and hurdles in most arenas of my life, I never actually saw one coming for my day job, AKA, the comfortable way I afford my livelihood. This came under minor threat and at the end of all things over a 72 hour time period, I will give myself a B- as my final grade in how I responded. 

Did I absolutely spiral out of control and go into a deep panic?

Yep. 

Did said spiral last around a day and a half that I took out on the people closest to me? 

You bet. 

When I finally entered acceptance, did Puddles run away from home for the longest 20 minutes of my life, chasing rabbits down the street? 

Of course. 

I landed on a B- for the sheer fact that nothing is different and everything is still 100% uncertain, but I am once again grounded within myself. I am once again calm under the pressure and I can accept whatever comes my way because, well, whatever comes is meant to (it helps that I also like change). 

What this experience has really driven home for me (I can’t say it taught me anything because it just pushed me to apply the things I’ve already learned) is the notion of when in doubt, go inward. 

As I’ve said many times before, our mental garden is the most important thing we ever need to tend. In a conversation with a friend Thursday afternoon, I said to him – “I haven’t felt actual fear in a really long time. I don’t know how to process this when it feels so real.” Now let me clarify, I’ve made a lot of major decisions in the last 2 years that were definitely frightening to make, but each one of them just felt “right” so my confidence in myself was at an all time high because I led by trusting my intuition. This circumstance is completely out of my control and I, along with the others I work with, are along for the ride with half a seatbelt. 

I give myself a B- in how I handled this unexpected situation because in just 72 hours, I am back to equilibrium. Today, I laughed at myself in the gym, haven’t stopped smiling, and had a complete 180 in my mindset where I’m feeling optimistic about whatever comes next. 

I’m pretty embarrassed over my “doom and gloom” mindset that’s followed me for the last few days, but the reality of that reaction also lies in a few different areas: 

• The intrusive thoughts weren’t coming from me, they were coming from the asshole gargoyle (hello again, Charles) on my shoulder feeding off of my fear 
• I’ve never even considered the real possibility of losing my job; I work in big corporate, so that’s ALWAYS a possibility – I’m learning that I need to boost my existing skills to stay a hot commodity in the job market to easily pivot if needed 
• I’ve worked really hard on boosting my self concept (or the source of my “magic” as I prefer to call it!) in literally every arena of life other than my existing career. Maybe this was just the Universe flicking me back in that direction
• For over a year now I’ve said multiple times that I needed a change in my working life due to many reasons (some just INSANE) and consistently feel burned out; the Universe provides lol 

I learned another valuable lesson through all of this too – others around me are highly influenced by my personal state of being. I do not mean this in a conceited way by any means and if I had the choice this last week NOT to have this gift, I would have thrown it into the nearest body of water. I tend to live my life with a little smile on my face, excited to talk to strangers, and eager to find the next source of joy. I take pride that when I enter a room, A. most folks can’t tell that I have MS (heck yeah) and B. the people in the room all brighten up and open up a little bit more. This week, however, I lived my life on the verge of tears, had horrific RBF, felt more anger and frustration than I have in at least the last 6 months, and have even been fighting with my dog. Needless to say I did not make any fun, new acquaintances, have little moments of magic, nor give silent comfort to those around me – in fact, I fed into the fear around me. 

So, keep in mind my dear readers, you have this power too. Be mindful of how you go out into the world because you do indeed have the power to make someone’s day better or be the sour cherry on top of the worst day of their life. 

To get to the real meat and potatoes of this post today, how did I completely 180 my negative mindset in so little time, with so much ambiguity still in the mix? Over the course of the last 72 hours, here is what I did:

• I let myself feel scared, angry, and everything in between. I didn’t try to change how I felt or convince myself to turn the frown upside down – verbatim I said to someone that I needed to stew in my negative attitude for a while to feel it before figuring out next steps 
• I spent time with people I loved IMMEDIATELY after learning this news…and then promptly excused myself before dinner time because I knew I was starting to drag the energy down.
• I deep cleaned my house when I didn’t feel like doing it. I’d been pushing off chores for DAYS and kept telling myself it was fine, but when I just felt absolutely depressed and hopeless, I took the opportunity to throw headphones in with a podcast and take care of the list. At the end of it, my house was vacuumed, sheets changed, bathrooms cleaned, and I even made a homemade chicken stock. 
• When I felt too exhausted to carry on because the depression really hit, I rested. I napped. I sat in silence with the TV off with my phone in a different room. I did NOT try to meditate, but did take the time to sit with myself and just…be. 
• I continued to pursue hobbies when I had the energy – I’ve been consistent in the gym this week to burn some of the frustration out of me (which only worked today, it didn’t help any of the other days). I’ve made great progress in my book. I’ve practiced for my upcoming audition where I would feel 80% confident I’d get into the choir if I had it tomorrow. I’ve cooked for myself like I was really trying to win my own heart. I started playing Harvest Moon again on my switch because I just really wanted a cow LOL. 

The point of all of this lies in the fact that I am back at equilibrium because I DIDN’T try to be. I just let myself feel and experience what was happening fully while also tending to my own needs moment by moment. I didn’t have a plan or an agenda to get back to my neutral state of being, I just let myself be human. 

Life is unpredictable and always will be – it’s a part of this Earthly experience! Putting practices into place to keep yourself grounded in harder times is essential in maintaining your peace of mind and I can honestly say, will help you get through anything. By taking the time, even unintentionally in some moments, to just sit with myself in silence I was able to come back into my own energy and in the process, shed any energetic remnants I picked up from others around me. 

So, my sweet pecans, when in doubt, go inward. YOU are the ultimate source of truth in your life and your intuition is your guiding compass. In learning to take a breath and just deeply trust myself, no matter what, it has helped me to maintain equanimity no matter what life throws at me. We’re in this together, thank you for remaining Chronically Joyful with me. ♡